self reflection

there's something that's been bugging for almost 4 years- my weight. although I'm in netball and yes, it does help one to maintain one's figure and all, but it's different for me. ever since I entered into secondary school, trng wasn't as intensive, and i started to put on weight. I knew it, but i refused to face the problem and work out a solution for it. Hence, I "ran" away from reality and continued to binge and all. Things started to change....

Love handles. The worst thing a girl could ever have. It makes one look so bad, so ugly, and you can't put on any clothes. You look atrocious in anything. Since then, I started wearing baggy clothes so that I'll feel better and they will not be so obvious. However, things really got worse.

Mum started scolding me. she can link from one thing to my pimples, then to my body. Like she would go," hey you fatty!" and etc. I didn't take it to heart back then. As years passed, my aunties and uncles did the same thing too. And they didn't like the sight of me. They discriminated me; what's more, I was considered one of the dumber girls in the family. I gradually became more introvert and low self-esteem started kicking in. This then became a habit. Whenever one talked about looks, I would feel so ashamed of myself, sometimes even pondering, "maybe i had committed a grave sin in the past, God is punishing me."

As I grew older, my self esteem is at the bottom of the sea. I may seem loud and all, but deep inside, I was really afraid. Really afraid about what others think of me. I was really the epitome of imperfection: Pimples since young and I was fat. I even had skin problems. Compared to my friends, I was really "outstanding" because of how I looked. I felt inferior; my clique( swieyang huiyu vanessa wenna) were all perfect people. I sometimes even wished for their looks. They are all so pretty! i thought nothing could be done. what's more, insults of me were getting more frequent. I cried almost every day in my sleep. My brothers were also bullies. Just because I'm fat and pimply, doesn't mean they can order me around and scold me. I had never rebutted. probably because of my low confidence, what's more, their personal attacks never fail to win me.

there was no one whom I can seek comfort to. i never told my friends because it was embarrassing and it was pretty personal. My mum would just scold me, my brothers do not give a damn about me. my dad was probably the only person I could talk to. However, an something depressing took place and i can't talk to him anymore. There is really no one. I was all alone. all i could do was to cry.

I tried dieting and exercising and all for a few times but my determination was short. i gained those pounds back and lead the unhealthy lifestyle. all thanks to my church people. i thought I could never get my confidence back, i would always have low self esteem, teased forever, no job, scolding from my mum every single day. this is my destiny.

Then one day, I chanced upon a blog. It showed how much a fat girl had lost so much weight, from a really really fat girl to a girl as skinny as venus I must say. she really inspired me. I thought, "if she could do it, why can't i?"

from that day on, i decided I had to work. it had been working till present.

the reason why I want to lose weight is because of my mum, for my self esteem, self confidence, and most imptly, to not be teased. Some people may be teasing me behind their backs but let me ask you: if you are in a fat girl's shoes, how would you feel? won't you feel hurt because someone is discriminating you despite the fact that you had not done anything to them? I felt it. I know there are people doing that to me, i've seen/heard it myself. I don't want to cry myself to SLEEP anymore. I want to be like my friends: skinny, pretty. i don't want to be getting scolding from my mum/brothers anymore becaus ei really had enough. most imptly. i want to get a good job. Looks define what kind of jobs you will do in the future.

really a good self reflection. I really mustered up alot of courage to post this up. really, i want to change. this is something i've been keeping in my heart for quite a while already.