sudden deconsolation rushing through me.

feeling like that almost every single day because of my body. green with envy when I see how skinny my friends are. wish I were at least 1% near 'em.

they're all so lucky; being able to eat without worrying about gaining weight and able to binge whenever they want. it's so easy for 'em to lose weight. could see a distinct weight loss in SY when she skipped recess for a period of time.

sucks to be me. have to give school food a miss, bring my own lunchbox, be deprived of junk food etc. the road is tough. I miss binging, I miss chocolates, I miss sweets. it's almost 3 weeks. I have to exercise hard- when i come back from school and before I sleep. but so far, i only lose 2kilos. sometimes I want to give up but no, because of the online tumblrs that gave me motivation. the road is long. got to keep up with a smile every day. I promise myself to be strong, to not shed a tear, even if i feel like breaking down, hold back your tears. don't let people worry about you, don't let people look down on you.

i really want to share my problems/woes with people sometimes, but I guess I'm just not good with words. i don't know how to express how I feel, cos i think the whole atmosphere will be awkward. I don't want to be a party pooper. so probably that's why i choose to bottle things up/write it on my blog.

i have a lot of fears. probably putting up a strong front won't show it, or compromising will be a better idea. rather suffer in silence than let your fear overwhelm you right?

a lot of things running through my mind tonight. low self esteem, low confidence, low everything. hate to be sad and in a pensive mood every day. I've stopped smiling for a long time already